Are Courage & Bravery Required to *Do* Something? I’m Not So Sure.
There are two words I often hear in equity-focused, anti-oppression communities: courage and bravery. As in: "We should be more courageous in our conversations with stakeholders", or "I need to be brave and apologize for offending her."
I'm not so sure it's that simple. Being courageous doesn't help me handle a challenging conversation well; being brave doesn't guide me through a responsible apology. Learning, listening, inquiring, skill-development and the like: these preparations are the things that make it so a conversation with stakeholders, or an apology I deliver, is meaningful and well-received. But in first-time experiences, or intimidating moments, or when the stakes feel high, it's true that courage and bravery can help nudge me into action, not retreat.
Many years ago, I joined a racial equity discussion group composed of Black, Brown and white women—I had never been in such a racially diverse group, nor one run by women of color. I'm pretty sure it was courage that helped me admit one night that I didn't have any Black friends. I remember the gut squeeze and breathlessness I felt, and the oomph it took to get the words out of my mouth.
If that oomph was courage, then it was a little sweet topping sprinkled over a big bowl of substantial effort: reading my first books about internalized oppression, listening to podcasts about the history of U.S. racism, initiating conversations with people I knew would be supportive, reflecting (a lot) about my own reactions, biases, and values. While I often flooded with guilt, shame, fear, and doubt—four reactions I believe we're conditioned into—what kept me going was a deep commitment to stop Black people from dying or being killed (my top motivation at that time). So was it courage, or was it the impulse that comes from commitment?
I've experienced that gut squeeze many times in the years since: when I partnered with my first facilitator of color, when I offended a Black neighbor, when deciding to explore my ignored Jewish heritage. Each time I remember an exquisite moment of what might be bravery: making the first agenda with my co-facilitator, walking up my neighbor's steps to apologize, pushing the 'register' button. But was it bravery, or was it readiness? It's probably both: a moment of bravery to top off a lot of preparation and evaluation.
These days, I conduct something of a risk assessment either before an anticipated situation (when I'm asked to speak on a panel) or in spontaneous moments (I just witnessed a microaggression between colleagues). My current iteration has five steps: the overall outcome gives me the information I need to decide whether to step in, or step back.
1. Address your reactivity: What jangles you? What can you anticipate will disregulate your nervous system or activate shame, guilt, fear or doubt? Doing the work to anticipate your reactivity allows you agency over your actions when activated—so your reactivity doesn't spill all over whatever situation you're facing.
2. Acknowledge your capacity: How did you sleep last night? Do you have a big looming deadline or did you just have an invigorating afternoon walk? It's important to know in the moment what kind of stores you have available. Remember to examine all aspects of your being: physical, emotional, mental, social and spiritual.
3. Check your understanding: Do you feel comfortable with the content or setting? Or are you missing important information about the context or situation? Figure out where you land on a continuum of understanding (without seeking the perfection of fluency). For example, I felt really strongly about an Israeli/U.S. ceasefire, but started with several marches and rallies before volunteering to join more organized pro-Palestinian actions. This familiarized me with the setting, vernacular, and goals so I knew was important to know, and what I could learn later.
4. Consider everyone: How are all people involved going to be impacted by this particular action? This is a good moment to exercise your skills in identifying how systems of supremacy are at play. Who will benefit, who might be disadvantaged? Don't leave yourself out of this reflection. If the risk of harm is pervasive, reconsider moving ahead.
5. Lean on supports: Who can you talk things through with, before or after? Having supportive relationships established before you need them is critical. If you have a reliable thought partner, peer discussion group, or mentor, then you might say yes to joining an equity committee at work or broaching a challenging topic with a family member.
By the time you've done the work to evaluate these elements, it might just take a puff of courage or bravery—or even none at all—to get you to the next moment.
February 2024 Back to Blog Home
I offer coaching for individuals, groups & workplaces.