The Tender Work: Acknowledging White Responsibility in a Racialized World
I'm seeing a pattern: in myself, with my friends and acquaintances, and in the folks I work with. It goes like this:
- An act of oppression, harm, or inhumanity happens.
- We (I'm definitely in this we) feel many things—anger, sadness, rage, disappointment—and are motivated to do something.
- While we contemplate what that action is, we find ourselves awash in guilt, shame, fear or doubt.
- And then, we end up doing nothing. Except perhaps to feel bad about ourselves.
I haven't met anyone yet who doesn't experience some version of this. Mine kept me from doing anything about my 'commitment' to racial equity for years: I didn't know enough, hadn't started soon enough, couldn't articulate myself well enough, didn't have enough of the right relationships with people of color, worried that I'd cause more harm. Then I felt bad that I couldn't get over these things, which doubled their intensity. It's paralyzing.
Two things have helped me move into a workable relationship with these four reactions when I have them. The first is to recognize them as reactions. My reactions are something I have agency over. More importantly, I believe these reactions to be conditioned responses: meaning, we are taught them, they are not innate in us. They're modeled to us, instilled in us, presented as the obvious option; by our families, our entertainment, our social institutions. I don't believe anyone consciously chose outright to inculcate the masses with this reactivity. Rather, I think it's an entrenched—at least in the U.S.—aspect of dominant culture maintaining itself. If the majority of us folks with power, positionality, and privilege (e.g people racialized as white) succumb to paralysis in the face of grief, shame, fear and guilt, then nothing gets challenged, and the status quo wins again. It's brilliant, and insidious.
The second thing that's helped me is the way I've exercised my agency over my reactions. It's through tenderness. Personal change is nothing if not tender work. Whether delivered to me by others or my own hand, the bashing way that shame lands or the heavy burden of guilt never led me to the shifts I've sought. Instead, I go easy on myself when I feel the chattering of fear or the undermining inquiries of doubt. I remind myself these reactions aren't the essence of me, they're learned. So I give myself a pause, remember that there are so many options, and imagine my way into a different response. To my coaching clients, workshop participants or caucus members, I give so much understanding. I feel tender about their desire to respond differently. Change takes time, support, and understanding. I get it.
This tender quality is the essence of my equity work. Tenderness toward the rage I witness in people of color long dehumanized. Tender about the effort it takes for people who have long discounted their power and influence to claim it. Tender about my own mistakes, miscalculations, and plain old reactivity. This has become the central tenet of my monthly public conversations for folks are racialized as white.
Try this tenderness on yourself, and on those around you and around the world burdened by oppression.
November 2023 Back to Blog Home
I offer coaching for individuals, groups & workplaces.