The Tender Work: An Approach to the Work of Mattering
My interest is the mattering of all people.
This is tender terrain; everyone hurts in a society where some people matter more, and some matter less. We know that the pain of that hurt lands differently on different bodies. There is the pain of not being seen, or acknowledged, or regarded as a human being, tender under the skin as we all are. This is a devastating kind of suffering that shatters families, starves minds and bodies, obliterates outlets for genius and thriving. Then there is the other pain: of realizing we are part of the mechanism that doesn’t see, or acknowledge, or regard so many others as human beings. This muddies self-concept, stokes defensiveness, and makes a mess of motivation, intention, and action.
In each of us is a unique mixture of the harmed and the harming; the target and the agent; those who matter, and those who matter less. There are the ways we know this is part of who each of us are, the ways we don’t know it, and the ways we’re kept from knowing it. The Tender Work sees this individuality, acknowledges the feelings it evokes once surfaced, and works to bring everyone into regard: of themselves, and of each other, and of the brilliant and devastating structural system in which mattering is both currency and liability.
Tenderness is an antidote. It’s a form of direct action. It is everything oppression is not: it is caring, kind, humane, slow-paced, relational, connecting, humanizing, welcoming. Tenderness lacks sting, urgency, abrasion, aggression, division, separation, and segregation. It is not patriarchal, capitalistic, or militaristic—those bullies that uphold our society, whose lifeblood is some mattering more than others, and who corner us into helping with their project. Precisely because it is not a condition of white supremacy culture, being tender acts as its counterpoint.
There are skills required of The Tender Work that call for cultivation. We all know how it is to be treated, and to treat others, tenderly; we all know what it feels like to matter. As native as these skills are, those of us raised in societies built by colonization and Christian hegemony have been steeped in other skills. The Tender Work invites a recognition of the learnings we want to uphold, those we seek to divorce, and others we yearn to cultivate. It’s not an intellectual undertaking, although there is much to learn about how systems of supremacy work both around us and through us. The Tender Work requires skills in listening, being curious, landing big feelings, noticing signals, humility, being a beginner, apologizing, extending grace to yourself and to others. It’s the personal growth required of social change; the transformation of ourselves that becomes the transformation of our culture.
The goal of The Tender Work is liberation—of humans from our prisons: real ones, perceived ones, imagined ones. It is to free ourselves and each other into the regard of humanity. We demonstrate this in the choices we make, actions we take, priorities we hold out front, causes we support, foods we eat, places we inhabit. The Tender Work helps us develop skills that superiority shuns: curiosity in the face of aggression, nonviolence in the face of interrogation, compassion in the face of offense. It is both education about systems that constrain us and a reflection on our role in those systems. It is hard work, and it carries the weight of humanity in its tender, outstretched hands.
For those interested in how The Tender Work looks as an approach to equity and anti-oppression coaching, consulting, or facilitating, here are some snapshots of what it looks like:
Technically, this approach:
Educates about how systems of supremacy work
Builds individual capacity to stay in the work
Positions individuals within cultural systems & structures
Models the anti-oppressive concepts it teaches
Moment to moment, this approach:
Focuses on experiences and reflections
Conveys a deep trust in the process of growth
Depersonalizes difficult experiences & big feelings arising from (& replicating) social conditioning
Personalizes what we are responsible for without judgment or shaming
Unique aspects of this approach include:
Highlighting where we each have agency
Honoring feelings without stewing in feeling bad
Extending permission to be patient, slow, careful & generous
Giving lots of grace around eyes newly (& continuously) opened
The Tender Work is applied to:
Workshops, trainings, and other educational or experiential settings
One on one coaching
Caucuses/affinity groups
Evaluations, assessments and organizational reviews
Presentations & speaking engagements